Thursday, June 13, 2013

On December 20 of last year--lets say around 3pm I was going over and over and over in my head what I would have done differently and what I would have said to fix it!!!  I went over and over in my head and eventually it lead to frustration and anxiety.  All I could do was scream since I can't drink like any normal person to relieve frustration. #frustration

I wonder how I can fix the situation to get back to that point on December 20.  Probably nothing because its over. It's done and its hopeless now.  That is all there is too it.  I should have thought about that before I started "acting out".  #actingout  What I should have done was get on some old clothes and started cleaning the bathroom.  If I had called her and said I was going to clean the bathroom and that I needed cleaning supplies I bet she would have brought a few over.  Then I would not have gotten to clean the bathroom or kitchen.  I would have had to leave and come back a month later and clean it.  Now I know when I move out of an apartment, I can't stay there.  I have to stay with someone else and pack up my stuff.  It would take one month to get all my stuff out working just on the weekends and then bitch and moan the whole time. 

I would spratically have recurring thoughts like "what would I have done differently". or "what would I have tried to say to fix it".  Well one thing I know for sure is I know that saying sorry is just not enough. 

It's too bad that it is #innapropriate for me to share the rent with a roommate.  It's just not a good idea.  But hey, I do not make the rules.  It is just what normal people do not do--is they do not share the rent in an apartment. 

Dr is easing me off anxiety medication and I am going to feel #weird.  I may feel like a #zombie but then again, it could be better.  He did say I could go back to it if needed.  Let's just wait and see shall I . 

In high school, I remember taking a multimedia class.  It had to do with video, mixing of video or something.  Well something to do with videos.  I did a project about the internet(prodigy) back then.  I did not say anything on it because 1) I did not know what to say and 2) I hated the sound of my voice.  I still hate the sound of my own voice.  (I was not really sure what that class was called)  It could have been a dream or it could have been real.  I remember walking a mile down marshall road with a video camera because the teacher said I could do the assignment at home during the weekend and then bring it back. 

You know what I just realized.  I realized that generalized anxiety is kinda like acting.  With acting... a person rehearses their lines.  Anxiety--a person also rehearsed what they are going to say in their head and then they say it.  They say it and they feel embarrassed or ashamed if it comes out wrong. 

I wonder if I can get back to that day six months ago today?  

Well that's it for today.